Posts

Cancer Free, Divorce Continuing, and A New Home

I am cancer free!  The letter came in the post this morning.  Here is my question: what doctor in the year 2017 writes letters in the post to tell you major news like that?  I mean what the heck? Ive been waiting for weeks to hear the verdict, but I didn't expect it to come in the post!

But I guess its a sort of life lesson for the ages.  It really doesn't matter how advanced civilization becomes, things aren't always going to be done the way you want or wish or hope or feel like they should move along.

I have been really down the past couple of weeks and while nothing has really shifted inside of me I am trying to find a way past the funk.  This morning I was walking in the woods (if you can call the leafy suburb of Hampstead, London the woods) and I realized I fixate on the ground when walking.  I watch the ground, mostly from experience that not all dog walkers are mindful of cleaning up after their dogs.  Step by step I am vigilant to avoid muddy puddles, squishy patc…

Emotions Suck

To be completely honest, Ive been to emotional the past few days to be able to post anything.  I feel like my world is crashing in around me with the divorce moving at the speed of light and I am sad.  I have known this is where it was going, but to be living it is crippling.  Food tastes bland, I can't muster energy for the gym, and even my yoga practice is suffering.  I cry constantly and I am tired- oh so tired.  
A bright light floating around is the fact that I am learning to deal with negative emotion.  I have been sitting in the negative and the pain.  I have let myself be down.  I cried the other day before school pickup and didn't apply makeup to try to mask it and cover my hurt.  I am embracing the pain even if it sucks.  If I was drinking this scenario would be so grossly different.  I can only imagine night after night of a bottle of wine opened as soon as the school run was done.  The second bottle probably opened sometime around 7:30 when I was secure in the fact…

Shame, Guilt and Being Just Like Everyone Else

I'm sitting in my living room waiting to head to the lawyers to discuss finances for my divorce.  My heart aches with the loss of what started as an epic love story.  We fell in love quickly, got married quickly, had children quickly and then had a slow faucet drip of the love disappear as I felt neglected and unappreciated and he felt (I won't put emotions on him) whatever it is the other person in a relationship with someone with a addiction problem feels.  I can only imagine frustration, hurt, anger, and fear are on that list, but honestly, Ive no idea.  I may never.

But as I sit and wait, and over the weekend while we moved around each other in quiet disappointment of where our situation has led us all I could feel was the immense guilt of how my actions and my choices led us down this path.  Shame and guilt are two words that are thrown around in recovery circles like money in the Christmas lead up.  Everyone seems to have some, some much more than others, and the way in …

Community and Gratitude

Ill be the first to admit I am not one of those people winning Ms. Congeniality contests.  When I was younger I loved competition.  I would battle to be the best in school, the teacher's pet, the top marks person.  I would battle to be the best dancer, to have the best boyfriend, and to be the top earner at my after school job.  Everything was a battle to me, but I don't think anyone knew they were my opponent.

As I got a bit older I felt the need to act "perfect"- perfection is unattainable and fake- you can only imagine how that went over with people who try to get to know you.  If you can't imagine, it goes horribly wrong.  No one wants to be friends with the fake person.  It is impossible to forge real relationships when you don't actually have any clue of who you are talking to because they are acting the whole time.

In my 20s I was completely lost and was one of those people who morphed to be like whoever I was around.  I usually became the personality…

CANCER!?!?!?!?!

Well, here we go.  To start, its not terminal.  To follow up, its not even confirmed.  And really, as far as cancer goes, Ive been blessed with the lowest terrifying of them all.  Last week I went to the dermatologist to look at a large, odd shaped, multi colored mole in my hair.  Fast forward a few days and I was in surgery yesterday having a 2 cm circle removed from my scalp premanently.  My hair will never grow back in the spot.  I have stitches in my head, I am in pain, and I am terrified that it will be confirmed as the suspected melanoma.  

Now, when I first found the mole in question I was greatly surprised.  Strangely, I expect to get cancer.  Sounds silly, but I grew up in Los Angeles, I am super pale, I lived in sunbeds my senior year of high school and for my year as the "queen of my city" and during the Ms. California pageant times, and I never wore sunscreen when I flew the helicopters for a couple years before moving to London.  My father has moles frozen or bur…

2.99 for a bottle of Wine???

I was checking the morning news a few minutes ago and couldn't believe the headline that one of the major food shops in the UK has lowered the price of one of it's wines to 2.99 per bottle.  Not one of the baby bottles, but per full size bottle.  That makes it cheaper than most other non-alcoholic drinks like fresh juice or sparkling waters.  I am actually stunned that a store would market something so addictive so cheaply.

It reminds me though of a part of a course I took in university on nutrition and the average "poverty line" family.  It has been documented that for some families place that sell fast food offer more food for your money than cooking with fresh healthy ingredients at home.  A basic value mean at the fast food joint will supply you with a burger and fries for less than it costs to buy a healthy salad at the same place.  When did our health become compromised by cheap options like 2.99 bottles of wine and 1.99 hamburgers?

An article in The Telegraph

Silence

The kids have gone to school.  I've tidied the house, done some laundry, decorated a bit more for Halloween, done the dishes, had another cup of coffee and now I'm sitting in the silence.  Its killing me.

Please don't read that wrong.  I'm not about to go take a sleeping pill or crack open a bottle of wine at 9 am, but I find the silence difficult to embrace this morning. Like I am afraid of the big bad wolf knocking on my door any moment to shatter the peace I have been trying to find and now that its here I haven't the slightest clue what to do with it.

I have never been good at slowing down.  As a child I begged to have a different club or activity everyday.  I studied for hours to be the best.  I compulsively clean.  I listen to music or podcasts constantly.  I worked 3 jobs while in flight school and then moved here and had children who filled my every second, not always in a good way.  Until the last couple of months I never allowed myself to embrace the sti…